Curiosity, Connection and Consistency: Reducing Your Toddler’s Hitting

It is so easy to get flustered by o ur toddlers hitting. There is so much conflicting advice out there around hitting. Honestly, if there was a one size fits all approach to hitting we’d all be super grateful and rich as hell. Unfortunately hitting is deeply unique to our toddlers and their desires, wants, needs and personality. The reason your toddler is hitting is going to be different than the reason my toddler hits. The one thing that is true for most parents is that hitting is triggering. When we’re triggered we are likely to jump into our authoritarian parenting who wants to just control hitting. “OH HELL NO! YOU DON’T HIT ME! I’M THE PARENT!” We can often resort to yelling, ignoring, and even spanking in response to hitting behaviors.

Those responses may stop hitting temporarily. At the end of the day, that hitting is just a form of communication, how we respond to it often determines if it will continue to happen or not. If we want to see actual behavior change like the hitting behavior happening less and a better form of behavior happening more, then we have to start from a place of curiously, connection and consistency.

We have to remember that hitting is a form of communication from our toddlers. They aren’t hitting to cause to you (that’s too advanced for a toddler). They are hitting because they have some need they want to communicate. The function of my toddler’s hitting is going to be different than your toddler’s hitting. This could be a need that isn’t being met like desiring your attention, or feeling hungry. It could be hitting to express a want like in response to having an item taken away. Sometimes there is an automatic need like when your toddler is super mad and hits because they just like the sensory feeling on their hands.

Curiosity: We start by asking ourselves curious questions.

• What is my toddler trying to tell me? Do they want attention from or from someone else? Do they want something? Do they want to get away from something?
• What could they need in this moment? Is there a basic need not being met? Could they be hungry?
• What big feeling could be triggering this? Are they excited? Are they mad about

Curiosity means asking questions in an attempt to understand what the function of the behavior could be. Every behavior has a function. We start investigating hitting so that we can make informed decisions and conscious choices about how we respond.

Curiosity: We look for patterns, all behavior happens in ABC patterns.

• Antecedents: The thing that happens immediately before the hitting behavior. What happens right before your toddler hits? Are you in your phone? Did you take something away? Does someone have something they want? Are you getting dressed?
• Behavior: Is the thing our toddler actually does. Sometimes there is a pattern here. Maybe your toddler yells right before hitting. Maybe hitting happens in a chain of behaviors like a tantrum.
• Consequences: just the thing that happens right after the behavior. It could be you responding to the hitting like through yelling, saying “No!” Or having a one on one talk. It could be them getting something taken away or picked up. It could be getting ignored after the behavior. It could be another kid hits. It’s just the thing that happens after.

Behavioral science tells us that we have to look at the things that happen right before behaviors and right after to be able to create change. We call these the ABCs of behavior. Antecedents, behaviors and consequences. Don’t get stuck on this word “consequences” in behavioral science this just means what happens directly after the behavior. Some consequences are reinforcing and then behaviors happen more, some consequences will make the behaviors happen less.

Connection: We keep our reactions to hitting small.

• Low quality attention: When we react small to hitting we are providing low quality attention. We use a low tone and stick to a short phrase. “Hands are for being kind or safe.” “I’m not going to let you hit me.”
• The purpose of low quality attention is to limit the possibility of it being a reinforcing type of attention. If hitting gets a big reaction out of a parent like a big loud “WE DON’T HIT” or a long drawn out one on one conversation, it can turn into a reinforcement for the hitting. Essentially, “If I hit, my parent pays attention to me when they weren’t before!”

Connection: We reinforce the behavior we want to see from our toddler.

• We notice when our toddler is using kind and safe hands. We name it clearly and consistently. “I love how you are using kind hands to help mommy clean up.” “Look how safely you gave me that toy with your hands.” “Wow, you didn’t get a big feeling when Mommy said no!”
• We reinforce the attention seeking behavior we want to see. If the only way our toddlers can get our attention is by hitting, then the hitting is going to continue. It serves its purpose. In order to counteract the hitting, we need to celebrate and acknowledge appropriate behavior for getting our attention. When your toddler says your name you can simply respond the first time. “Oh, thank you for using my name, what do you need.” or “I hear you saying my name, let me finish this last thing and I’ll help you right away.

Being a connected parent means we are making sure our toddler feel seen and valued. That we love them even when they make mistakes and we see them doing the right thing. Connection is the pillar that keeps us less likely to be triggered too. Low quality attention and reinforcing positive behaviors help keep us grounded and sane. This parenting thing is so freaking hard.

Consistency: We stay consistent when we respond to hitting.

• When we’re trying to figure out how to best respond to our toddler’s hitting we pick a response and stick with it. The more consistent we are with our responses the more we can pick up on the frequency of hitting. Is it happening more or is it happening less. If we switch up our responses too quickly we can make the behavior way harder to change. It’s just the science of behavior change.

• Sometimes we’re going to get it wrong and we’re going to have to try a lot of different things on. If we’re noticing the behavior is getting more frequent we adjust our approach. If we notice it’s getting less frequent we keep that response consistent.

Pro tips: You can use this same approach when thinking about hitting at daycare and school. As a parent you can probe the teachers and care givers for more information around why they thing your toddler is hitting, or what patterns are happening when the hitting is happening (curiosity) You can ask how they reinforce the behavior they want to see from your toddler and that they only use low quality attention (connection) You can share your response plan and ask them to give it a try. (Consistency).

My name is Alyssa Conti Hampton. I am a toddler mom who also happens to be a behavior analyst and special educator of 15 years. I’ve dealt with tricky behavior in a variety of shapes, forms and sizes for almost two decades. This parenting thing is hard, even when you’ve had years and years of practice. I’m not perfect, but I’m going to continue to support my toddler with curiosity, connection, and consistency. Follow along as I make the most of motherhood.