I’m making an effort to support my toddler in being flexible in her thinking and not get stuck or fixated. By making some conscious shifts to my daily language I can support the part of her brain that develops executive functioning. That executive functioning part of our brain is where we remain flexible, adapt to change, and problem solve. By intentionally teaching language around choice and no choice to my toddler, I am supporting her ability to be a strong problem solver and decision maker even during heightened emotions. (This is a skill set, I still am sharpening as an adult.)
I want to be clear with my toddler that some decisions she gets to make and some she doesn’t. You have to remember that between the ages of three and five, toddlers and young children are developing their autonomy and independence. It is our job to give them opportunities to assert that independence and autonomy but also develop clear boundaries, so they’re less likely to act out.
When Maddox doesn’t get to make a decision, I tell her something is a “No Choice”. I started this really young, specifically when she would protest her diaper change. “Oh, I know you don’t like getting your diaper changed, but this is a no choice activity. We have to do it.” If the no choice is something that has to get done, like clean up, wear a coat, brush your teeth, there are either corrective actions or boundaries set if you refuse. For example the boundary set could be: No outside time without a coat, the corrective action could be: Mommy does it for you!
When Maddox refuses a coat this sounds like “Wearing a jacket is a no choice, we have to put our coat on to stay warm. Mommy will help you put it on so we can play outside” (corrective action) or “Wearing a jacket is a no choice activity, we have to put our coat on to play outside. First our coat then outside.” (Boundary set)
The only way choice and no choice language works if it is paired with actually getting to make choices independently. I look for opportunities to plug in a lot of choices for Maddox to make so she develops her sense of autonomy. On the flip side, I don’t overwhelm her with choice (not everything is a choice). What books you read, what toys you play with, which shirt to wear, or choosing something to eat. Those are things that you can have choices in.
Using choice language and weaving choice into every day makes the in the moment battles less emotionally triggering for you and your toddler. Intentionally teaching into this concept of choice and no choice will help your toddler with thinking more flexibly, adapting to change, and problem solving improve as they grow and get older.
Momma to Maddox 