Emotional Constancy

Today’s topic is emotional constancy. This is a phrase you’ve probably heard in the world of education, but it is equally as important in parenting. Emotional constancy is being emotionally consistent, being predictable, in how you respond to your own heightened emotional states and then how you show up for your toddler in those moments. You are not meeting big emotions with big emotions. You as the adult, are regulating yourself. You’re going to lend your calm to your child when they are experiencing big emotions.

Brain science teaches us if you’re in a heightened emotional state, your brain is usually in more of a survival mode. Survival mode is where the fight flight, freeze, or fawn response comes in We don’t want to be in a survival state when we are supporting our toddlers in regulating, we want to be in a state in which we can make smart choices and planned decisions.

Remember, that you are the model for your child. If you are not modeling what you want your child to be doing and showing them how to do the things you expect them to do, you’re doing it wrong.

You have to lead by example. Every moment with your toddler is a teachable moment. Every moment that you are utilizing a strategy, practicing or modeling for your kiddo you are leading by example. You’re providing an exposure to that process. This exposure is helping synapsis is form in the brain.

The thing about being able to show up emotionally constant for your toddler, is it’s going to take some initial pre-work. You’re going to need to be able to identify your own triggers. Understanding what causes you to become in a heightened emotional state. After you’ve identified the trigger you can also think about what is the story that I’m telling myself about this behavior or about this reaction that’s causing me to feel so triggered? Remember, it’s not about your kiddo and what they’re doing to you, it’s about the story you tell yourself after they do that thing.

It’s easier to understand this when we think about it in terms of an adult. I asked my partner to put away their clothes. I left the laundry basket on their side of the bed, and for two days, the basket get moved to the floor and then right back on the bed. It’s starting to cause some tension because the story I’m telling myself is they don’t respect me as a partner. “They don’t listen to me. They don’t hear me, right?” It’s the story that I’m telling myself about that trigger that is causing the heightened emotional state. You should have some go-to emotional regulation techniques and strategies for yourself so that you can bring yourself back down to a, an executive state.

How to Model Emotional Constancy
How do you maintain emotional constancy even when you’re in an emotional state? There are a couple areas that I push myself in when I need to remain emotionally constant or I feel myself getting triggered.

1. Take a Deep Breath– The first thing that you can do to remain emotionally constant is just take a deep breath, breathe in and out before you determine how you’re gonna react. Slow your brain down for a second. Remember, again, you’re modeling. This is a, I’m modeling how I take deep breaths to work through, um, heightened emotional states.
2. Get on the same level– I get down on her level or I pick her up to my level. I want to be able to support her heightened emotional state. If I am above her and not on her level, it is going to be more difficult to stay emotionally constant.
3. Cue your Calm– After I take a deep breath, I cue myself by saying: “Hey, listen” I’m queuing her into the fact that we’re about to regulate. I also use the cue for myself as a way to get my bearings about me.
   
4. Control Your voice– I talk very slow and softly. I’m not gonna meet her heightened emotions with my own yelling or big reactions. I need to lend her my calm.
5. Pause for processing– It’s really easy to talk really, really fast when you’re in a heightened emotional state.Your toddler will then not be able to process what you are saying, due to their heightened emotional state. I pause often to allow her to process. When I do that, I’m helping her little language, developing brain, be receptive to receiving what I’m saying. I want her to be able to hear and process what I’m asking her or what I’m telling her in that moment of co-regulation. I’m helping her come back down to a more of an executive state rather than her little survival state.
6. Practice- I recommend that you are practicing emotional constancy and naming when you’re being emotionally constant. “Mommy’s taking her deep breaths right now.” “Mommy’s gonna listen to some music, which helps her not feel so sad”. Mommy’s gonna move her body so I can better manage my big feelings”

Your toddler is learning from you, absorbing what you’re doing, They are seeing and observing how you’re acting, how you behave day in and day out. When you remain emotionally constant or emotionally consistent and you model emotional consistency for your toddler you are laying the foundational ground work for self-regulation and emotional intelligence.